Darth Val

token diet post

2012-01-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

It seems like everyone is on a new diet and/or exercise regime right now, doesn't it? I jumped on the bandwagon. I haven't put on any weight lately, but I also haven't been feeling totally comfortable in my body lately, plus I'm a bridesmaid in my good friend's wedding this summer and I want to look amazing in the bridesmaid dress!

Pioneer Woman is doing the slim fast thing right now, so I decided to give it a try. I'm on day 2, and I am so, so hungry all the time. How do people do this?? I replace two meals a day with slim fast shakes, which are only about 200 calories apiece, so I guess it works because you're cutting your calories drastically.

I know what you're thinking, this won't last because it's only a temporary reduction of calories and as soon as I stop I'll gain the weight back, I need to make a permanent lifestyle change if I want to stay thinner, blah blah...or at least that's what I was thinking. I don't know, I just thought it would be fun to try since I don't have any convenient ways to work out right now (no good/affordable gyms in town, and my kneecaps shift when I run outside- it sucks), and PW's recipe for her slim fast shake sounded really good! Besides just 1% milk and milk chocolate shake mix, I add ice to make it thicker and a tablespoon of instant coffee powder. Mmmm. Chocolate + coffee = BFFs 4ever. But it's still only 200 calories, so I get hungry again an hour later. This is going to be tough, and so far I've been snacking a little more than I probably should. Hopefully after a little while my stomach will start shrinking so I won't be so hungry all the time?

My friend's wedding is in July so I've got a while to figure things out in case the slim fast doesn't work well enough. Ideally, I'd like to lose about 15 lbs, and when you're trying to lose those last few pounds, it tends to get really hard, so we'll see how good the slim fast really is at its job.

I have never wanted a quesadilla so bad in my entire life.

Ethics and Values

2011-12-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try a new thing here where I lay out a situation in which I faced an ethical dilemma and anyone can comment on whether or not my actions were ok.

Tonight I went to Little Caesars. Classy, I know. Was this an ethical move?

...Just kidding that's not the ethical dilemma. Hot, ready, $5...why WOULDN'T you go there? (This is not a paid advertisement for Little Caesars, I'm just trying to look less white trash-y.) So I went to Little Caesars which is located in a small strip mall, so there's not much parking. The three spots right in front of the store were taken up, so I went to park on the far side of left-most car, only to find that this driver had chosen to park their car well outside of the lines. It was egregious; they were taking up like a third of the spot I was trying to park in. The parking lot was well lit, so I had a hard time believing that this person couldn't see the lines. It had to be a willful disregard of parking lot etiquette.

So I thought, "Hey, I drive a compact car. I bet I could still fit my car in that spot, while also teaching the driver of this stupid blue minivan a lesson not to hog two spots for no damn reason, since my car will be too close to it for them to be able to enter their vehicle on the drivers side." Never mind the fact that the spot one more over was very much vacant, and I could have easily parked there without causing any controversy. If I had parked there, I would have been ONE SPOT FARTHER AWAY from Little Caesars. I would have had to take, like, THREE extra steps (SIX!!! if you count round trip) to get my pizza. Unacceptable. Plus I wouldn't have been teaching anyone a lesson.

I was right, sort of. I fit my car in the spot with my wheels ON the white line on my left side, and my rear view mirror pretty much touching the other car's on my right side, so technically I stayed within the spot, right?

I go into Little Caesars and there are only two other customers inside. One is a young woman, probably around 20, and the other is a grandma. I didn't look that close, but, like, pushing 70 and couldn't get around very quickly. And I'm thinking to myself, "What are the chances that that minivan belongs to that 20 year old? About 2%. What are the chances it belongs to the grandma? 2000%." "Shit," I think. Now I'm not being an avenger of parking justice, I'm being an ass to the elderly.

The grandma finished up at the register and it was my turn- I got my pizza and paid as quickly as possible so that I could get back out there and move my car before grandma had to stand outside in the freezing temperatures any longer because I stubbornly blocked her in.

As I walked out the door, there she was, putting her pizza in the unblocked passenger side of the car, and starting to walk around to the driver's side. I powerwalked over to my car, very determinedly looking at nothing but the pavement directly in front of my feet, got in, started it, and backed out faster than I ever would have if I was, say, late for work. All the while, grandma is just standing on the pavement at the front edge of her car, probably giving me a dirty, judgmental look and shivering in the cold. I don't know for sure because I was too ashamed to actually look at her. I didn't need to see her scorn to be punished.

So there you go, comrades. Obviously I shouldn't discriminate against the elderly, but not knowing who drove that minivan, was I justified in somewhat jerk-ily blocking them in to send the message that they need to pick just one spot to park in? I feel like this incident, and the need to do things like this, speaks volumes about my psyche.

Herkimer

2011-09-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

I work in a restored brick building, originally built in 1912. It was converted from a dilapidated Pack'n'Ship (sp?) business to a restaurant several years ago. It is haunted. I'm told his name is Herkimer. Don't believe in ghosts? This post probably won't change your mind, but I heard tidbits and anecdotes from everyone who works there (everyone who speaks English, that is) about disappearing sugar caddies and salt shakers, air conditioners turning off on their own, the sound of footsteps on the stairs or glimpses of another person upstairs or in the basement storage when alone. My favorite anecdote is when Herkimer moved a vase of flowers from the bar counter to the adjacent bar sink. The vase was completely unharmed, without a scratch or a flower askew, but simply standing upright in the bar sink when it had been on the counter a moment ago.

I finally had my own firsthand experience with him tonight. I think he's shy around newcomers, and so it took him a couple months to want to properly welcome me. Another server, Jean, and I were closing the restaurant after all the customers were gone. We were sitting at the bar, organizing our receipts and money, when we heard an indistinct crashing noise come vaguely from the direction of the staircase to the second floor behind me. Jean and I were the only ones left there, the cooks having already left for the night. I brushed the noise off as probably a cat in the alleyway, or something clanging on the train tracks right outside, but Jean was a little more spooked by it.

Jean went downstairs to fetch the vacuum and I started moving chairs around so we could begin the annoying nightly ritual of thoroughly vacuuming the shabby, navy blue carpet in the dining room. Just as she re-emerged from the basement, we heard a high-pitched beep come from the bar/kitchen area on the other side of the dining room. We paused for a moment. There it was again. "Where is that annoying beeping coming from?" I demanded as the sound continued to repeat every few seconds.

We walked over towards the bar, only for the beeping to cease. Eager to get back to work so we could both go home, we moved back toward the other side of the dining room and resumed our work. About ten seconds later, the phone screeched, abruptly shattering the relative silence of our work. Ok, now it was officially creepy. It was after 10:00, we'd been closed for over an hour, and the phone never rings this late in our sleepy, small town little restaurant.

I was closer to the phone, so I hurried to answer it, firmly trying to deny the eerie feeling pervading my senses. It was Adam from the security company. A smoke alarm in the hood over the stove had been set off, and they wanted to make sure everything was ok. "Wait," Adam said. "The alarm just reset itself, so everything should be fine now, but let us know if you need anything."

We hung up, and Jean and I went into the brightly lit kitchen to investigate. We could still feel some heat emanating from the industrial burners, but that was no surprise in view of how recently they had been on. All the knobs on the stove were off and we couldn't see any fire, smoke, black marks on the wall, or any reason at all that the alarm would have been set off.

Herkimer.

Many would just write this off as a malfunctioning alarm, but we knew better. Maybe Herkimer was finally ready to welcome me, or just wanted to get some attention or cause some mischief. In any case, I see no viable explanation for the night's creepy and unusual series of events except our resident spirit.

24 and treading water

2011-07-27T13:06:00.000-07:00

I'm at that point in my life. The one where people expect me to act like an "adult" and get a real job or do something with my life. I like that idea, and I want to do it, I just don't like the pressure. I want to do it on my own time, because I'm still deciding what exactly it is I want to do with my life. I never liked the idea that I'm supposed to decide what my life's work will be while I'm still becoming an adult, growing, and figuring out who I am and what my priorities are. I guess those things never stop evolving and growing though, so maybe I should stop being so wishy-washy and just pick something.

I could see myself doing any of the following:

-going to grad school to become a physician's assistant

-teaching English anywhere outside of the U.S.

-being a nanny overseas (probably somewhere Francophone)

-going to culinary school (in France???)

-working for an environmental or animal rights lobby/non-profit company

-being a movie or fashion reviewer (are there fashion reviewers? there has to be, right?)

-working just about any job for an airline so that I can travel for free on my time off

-being a professional harpist, maybe even going to a music school to refine my talent

(another excuse to go to Europe)

How do I pick one right now?? I HAVE NO IDEA. I do know that I see the trend of traveling or living overseas a lot in my ideas, so I should make that a priority while I'm still young and not stuck with a mortgage or kids. I also keep coming back to the idea of culinary school. I try not to think about it, because I know that field is really competitive and it seems kind of pipe dream-ish to me, but it's also what I'm passionate about and find a lot of joy and satisfaction in doing.

The physician's assistant thing is my practical, secure, "adult" option. It really only appeals to me because I know I'd always have a job and make a decent wage doing it. I'm not passionate about health care, but I'm keeping it on the table for now in case the economy doesn't get any better.

I could go on about how I feel about each option and their pros and cons, but I've blabbered long enough here. My uncle James once told me he thought it would be ideal if everyone could switch careers every ten years. When he said it, I thought it was a stupid idea, and that you were supposed to devote yourself to the same career your whole adult life, but now I think that idea is spot on. I feel pulled in so many directions that it's going to be easier for me to pick just one right now if I know it doesn't have to be forever.

2011-06-22T19:53:00.000-07:00

Ah, to be a child. My favorite thing to happen to me in a long time happened tonight while we were at a chinese buffet for dinner (auspicious beginning, I know). I was checking out the dessert bar, when all of a sudden a little boy runs up right next to me, stops, and yells "JELLO!" at the top of his lungs. He proceeds to run around the counter in joy and then stops, screams a very high pitch scream, and runs off to get his mother to help him get some.

As funny as it was, especially since it happened literally right next to me, I miss childhood and feeling scream-level excitement over something as simple as jello.

I'm loving...

2011-06-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

1. Chex Mix.

It is so good. Why haven't I bought it more often in my snack buying years? Great, and now I'm getting hungry thinking about it. The only problem is that there aren't enough bagel chips in it. As a facebook friend suggested they should make a Chex Mix "Oops, All Bagel Chips" edition. If they did, I would buy that and a bag of regular Chex Mix and pour them both into a huge bowl. Stir. Eat. Be happy.

Does anyone else think about snack food as much as I do?

2. Gel manicures.

I got my first salon manicure EVER (shocking, I know) last week for my sister's wedding. She insisted I get a gel manicure because they last longer, and because if I got a regular one and my nail polish chipped, the wedding would be ruined.

I'm converted. It was definitely more expensive- $30 for a basic gel manicure, but I got a french so it was $36- but you get what you pay for, as usual. I didn't take a picture the day it was done, but rest assured they looked very pretty and shiny. Even though the Vietnamese gentleman who did them messed up and had to re-do one nail three times and there were still several small snags/smears but after three re-dos I began to doubt his ability to execute a clean gel manicure and just let it go. It looked fine from a foot and a half away.

You can see the snag on the top right if you look closely. Small, I know, but when I'm paying $40+ after the tip just for a manicure, I feel like perfection is not too much to ask.

The gel is starting to chip almost a week later, but it's held up way better than any regular nail polish would under the assault my hands and nails go through working in a restaurant. I've heard/seen from others who get gel manicures and don't work in restaurants that theirs don't start to chip 'til closer to two weeks.

the major chip that showed up at work a few days ago

my left hand still looks pretty good a week later

Next time, I'll probably just do a gel pedicure and skip the manicure until I work somewhere else or have a bit of time off. But believe me, I will be getting one again. I don't think I'd get them regularly, just because I'm not a bi-monthly mani/pedi kind of girl, but I think they're great for special occasions or when you just feel like you need a little extra pampering.

3. The Book of Mormon on Broadway

I've been SO excited about this since it was announced a couple years ago that the creators of South Park are working on a Mormon broadway musical. I've been eagerly devouring every article and video interview of the creators and of several others involved in the show that have come out in the last several months. That's about all I could do to satiate my excitement since a trip to NY to see the thing for myself isn't in the cards at the moment. Then amazon put the soundtrack on sale for only TWO DOLLARS last week, which I immediately purchased and am well on my way to memorizing, thanks to my ipod and a 30+ minute commute to work.

It is brilliant, and I don't say that lightly. They spent years writing this musical, and it shows. It just won freaking nine Tonys, including best musical!! Since hearing the brilliance and hilarity of the full soundtrack for myself, I've become obsessed with trying to figure out the plausibility of a trip to New York to see it. Here's the number they performed at the Tonys:

4. Maui

It lives up to all the hype, and then some. I would probably have never gone on my own, but I went last week thanks to the aforementioned sister's wedding, and I was blown away. It is SO beautiful and so fun. Hawaii always sounded so touristy and cliche to me, but once I was there, all I kept thinking was "I get it now." The weather is always perfect, there's a rainbow or two every day, the landscape and ocean are beautiful, and the amazing nature escapades are plentiful.

My favorite experience was when we went snorkeling at a bay just 20 minutes from our hotel and we saw a ton of gorgeous, vibrant fish swimming on the coral reef, and then even some giant sea turtles!! We saw three or four, and you can get super close to them! (touching is a no-no, but that didn't stop certain family members who shall remain nameless) I felt like I was in an episode of Planet Earth! My only regret is that we only stayed for five days. When I let myself dwell on it, I really do feel extremely stupid that we didn't plan to stay longer. They're not exaggerating when they call it paradise.

on our way back from snorkeling standing in front of a beautiful lush rainforest you walk through to get to the bay

Ben cliff jumping- against the advice of a friendly German doctor I was talking to down on the rocks where I sat to take this picture

On top of the world

colorful craters on the side of the Hale'akala volcano

cool silver cactus plants on top of Hale'akala

My mom on the top of Hale'akala overlooking the ocean. You can even see Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea on the big island in the distance!

Mission Accomplicated

2011-05-01T21:19:00.001-07:00

Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad bin Laden was taken out, but amidst all the "Go USA!" and "Hooray for the troops" cheers I'm hearing right now, I can't help thinking about what caused 9/11 in the first place: the severe ideological differences between the USA and some Middle Eastern cultures. I am so grateful to the men and women who serve overseas (and my boyfriend will soon be one of them), and I love this country, but what I want to know is how those radicals became so enraged and hopeless that they felt their only option was to kill thousands of Americans as quickly as possible in an act of disgusting terrorism.

While I believe there is probably a fair amount of brainwashing involved, I think understanding and education are going to go a hell of a lot farther than bombs in combating extremism. America's foreign policy needs to be re-thought if we want to stop leaders like bin Laden from ever being created; specifically the way we pump money into the Middle East. Instead of fueling Afghanistan's war against the USSR or giving Israel $13 million a day in foreign aid, we might want to fuel more constructive efforts like Greg Mortenson's, as detailed in Three Cups of Tea.

This is a complicated issue, and I don't pretend to have all or any of the answers, but as far as I can tell, understanding and acceptance are the keys to peace, not invasions and manhunts. It's been said before, and it will be said again, but although we have finally succeeded in killing bin Laden, our invasions and efforts since 9/11 have inspired a hundred more bin Ladens. I can't overemphasize the scope of the discordance between the US and the Middle East. I'm afraid (and I hope I'm wrong) that the death of one man will have accomplished little in the name of peace.

anatomy of an alcoholic

2011-03-23T23:16:00.000-07:00

My roommate/landlord is an alcoholic. He is a 38-year-old male. He has no steady employment, but according to him, makes more than ever "consulting." No word yet on what or who he consults. I never see him leave the house anymore, so I'm confused as to when he's doing this consulting. Anyway, that's not the point. It's started to adversely affect my living situation. It's nothing serious, he's not violent so far, but it makes me nervous and uncomfortable and unwilling to stay in any part of the house that he is occupying for more than 34 seconds.

Please enjoy the following 100% scientific and accurate charts I've prepared to document his typical day so you can better understand what I'm dealing with here.

figure 1: how his time is spent while awake

figure 2: most common activities while drunk

**This pie slice would be drastically larger if I stayed in the same room as him for longer than 34 seconds.

why I take a roll of toilet paper with me to the movie theater

2011-03-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a movie-cryer. It's sort of a problem. I cry at movies that I'm pretty sure no one involved in the making of the movie intended for it to be a crying movie. I cried at Star Trek for pete's sake. I almost said "for crying out loud" instead of "for pete's sake" but that seemed too ironic and cutesy. Who the hell is pete though? I'm not happy with either of these expressions. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my unnecessary histrionics. I even cried at Iron Man 2.

Not really on that last one. I really hope you didn't believe that of me, I'd probably be mentally impaired if that was true. But I'm not kidding about the volume and range of movies I cry at. I cry at movies that I don't even care about, that I know are stupid. Hold on, my alcoholic roommates are raising my anger level to homicidal- I need to relocate.

There, that's better. For no reason other than boredom and a personal resolution to blog more often than once every other month, I've organized any crying movies I could think of into lists (not comprehensive) of light to moderate to severe based on how long/hysterically I cried while watching. Consider my self-respect left at the door.

light: Just tearing up or only a few silent tears running down my right cheek. The only kind of movie crying that I have any hope of concealing from the person sitting next to me in the theater who will think I'm deranged if I don't.

"Juno"

"Lord of the Rings"

"Star Wars"

"Finding Nemo"

"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

"Tuck Everlasting"

moderate: crying at a controlled volume for less than ten minutes

"A Walk to Remember"

"Dumbo"

"Titanic"

"Charlotte's Web"

"Stepmom"

"Armageddon"

"Pay It Forward"

"Pan's Labyrinth"

severe: Crying for ten minutes or more, sometimes up to an half hour after the movie has ended at a level of hystericity (not a word) appropriate for someone who has just witnessed their entire family being murdered by Voldemort. This is not a pretty cry, people.

"Big Fish"

"The Time Traveler's Wife"

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

"Moulin Rouge"

"Ghost"

"The Lion King"

"A.I."

in its own category: this movie exceeded all other previous and subsequent crying levels because I cried FOUR SEPARATE times and continued to sit in the theater for five minutes during the credits and sob while hugging my parents

Are you ready?

....

"Up"

That's right, a goddamn Pixar movie. Why those sadistic Disney bastards love killing off immediate family members in almost every feature film is a topic for another blog post, but I will never watch that movie again.

Honorary literary mention: The sixth Harry Potter book (not the movie) when SPOILER ALERT Dumbledore dies. I cried for about two hours and even had to call my mom who was out of town at 1 a.m. to help me calm down. The best part of this story is that I initially refused to tell her why I was calling her crying at 1 a.m. because she hadn't read the Harry Potter books yet and I didn't want to ruin it for her.

As an afterthought I added a fourth list: popular movies I refuse to watch because I know I will end up hysterical

"Precious"

"The Green Mile"

"Schindler's List"

"The Pursuit of Happyness"

"Million Dollar Baby"

"Sophie's Choice"

"Saving Private Ryan"

I have two questions about these lists.

1. Should I be worried about what this says about me psychologically and emotionally?

2. Why are so many of these children's movies?!

read this if you remotely care for electro pop

2011-03-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling when something is so amazing and brings you so much joy that you just want to climb to the top of the nearest mountain and shout to the world that you've found love?That's how I feel about these songs. Unlike the latest Britney Spears product placement-laden video, I just cannot get tired of these songs; they're a revelation.

I saved the best for first: "Byrds of Prey" by Bertie Blackman. Fabulously fantastic. I haven't been so obsessed with a song since I first heard La Roux. Must be listened to with good headphones at least once.

"Audacity of Huge" by Simian Mobile Disco featuring Chris Keating. It wasn't love at first listen. In fact, at first I thought it was Eurotrash techno. But after a couple times, I started really hearing the words and was struck with the sheer coolness of this song.

Passion Pit- "Little Secrets." I'm speechless. MTV2 describes it as "Indie Disco," and I don't think I could do any better than that. I might venture to compare them to an amped-up MGMT.

"Allein Allein"- Polarkreis 18. Yes, it's a German band, and the title translates to "Alone Alone." The message is rather depressing if you stop to think about it, but I don't because I can't get over how hauntingly lovely this song is.

Hot Chip- "Take It In." I strongly recommend listening to this one on the ol' headphones too. A much more pensive, piercing Hot Chip than you may have already heard in "Ready for the Floor" or "Over and Over."

World peace might be closer than we think

2011-03-15T02:56:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of the show Little Mosque on the Prairie? It's a Canadian sitcom with Muslims comprising several of the main characters.

I thought it might be interesting so I started watching it tonight. It's not. I'm pleased to report it's just as mediocre and ho-hum as Two and a Half Men and The King of Queens (insert Charlie Sheen joke here?). Just like when I try to watch those shows, I felt the urge to stick needles in my eyes, because at least that would be more lively.

Why does this make me so happy? Truly, having their own worthless sitcom has to be a sign of Western culture's acceptance of Muslims. The fact that the show is so unremarkable gives me great hope for our society. If Western attitude toward Muslims and Middle Easterners was really that poor, this show either would not get made at all, or it would have to be much, much better in terms of writing, acting, and originality in order to make a bold social commentary to initiate a change in popular attitude.* Especially since these lowest common denominator shows, to quote Ricky Gervais, pander to the exact demographic that I would most expect to be racist against Arabs, Muslims, or anyone with brown skin not part of the black category. Can peaceful relations between the West and the Middle East really be that far away? (Yes, yes they can. Thank you, George W. Bush)

By now I've said at least eight offensive things against people from all walks of life. I thought about editing myself for a second, but then I remembered that this is my opinion blog, and neither of us come here because I am a paragon of diplomacy.

*At this point I am realizing I underestimated how difficult it would be to write coherent sentences at 4 a.m., even though I've been working nights this week and haven't been able to fall asleep much before 5 a.m. for the past three nights anyway. I just needed to get that out.

Questions I Am Tired of Being Asked: 5th ed. If you're from Cleveland and not Mormon, what are you doing in Utah county**?

2011-03-08T17:34:00.001-08:00

Answer: I grew up Mormon. I went to BYU. It was cheap, and I had a full tuition scholarship my freshman year, which sounded a lot better than the other $40,000/year schools I got into that only gave me $6,000 or $10,000 scholarships. In retrospect, this was a mistake. I should have gone to Ohio State or some other cheaper state school, but I was a snob. I thought you couldn't get a respectable education at a place like that. Stupid.

Anyway, since my parents are quite liberal on the scale of Mormonity and raised me to think for myself, I was extremely unhappy at BYU. Everything about how the school was run, many of my fellow students, and most of my professors (with a couple very notable exceptions) dumped me into a spiral of depression and anguish.

When I finally found the self-respect and courage to leave, I had no idea what my next move would be. I was dating a rich guy, had just turned 21, and was having fun with my job, my friends, and my newly legal ID. Eventually I decided to simply transfer to the nearby Utah Valley University to finish my degree. I wouldn't have to move, I knew the area really well, and things were going well at work and with my friends, so why leave?

I now regret this decision as well. Although I actually LOVED Utah Valley University*** and don't regret transferring there from BYU for one split second, I was still unhappy for my last year or so in Utah. Things started to turn sour with people at work, several of my closest friends had moved away, and I was more aware than ever of the slim dating/socializing prospects and my distaste for the general populace of Utah County. It's hard to fit in when the cool kids all go to church every Sunday, love to talk about how awesome the church is, don't drink, don't want to go out, and don't date outside their faith.

As stated below, I've since gotten out of Utah, so now I can complain about it freely without having some dunderhead shout at me, "If you hate Utah so much, then don't live here!" Believe me pal, given a do-over, we would not be having this conversation right now. I could turn this into a long diatribe about Mormons and Utah culture (it's like a different country! And not one of the fun, touristy ones in Western Europe!) but, predictably, I no longer feel the need to vent now that I'm no longer surrounded by the great charade. And hasn't it all been said already elsewhere? Every ex-Mormon already knows the reasons the Mormon church and Utah are ridiculous, and most still-clinging-to-the-iron-rod Mormons don't want to hear it.

**I currently live in Colorado, but I still get asked this question retrospectively.

***Seriously. This is when I realized you're going to get a good education out of ANY school if that is your intention. UVU is a state school with an awful reputation, and yet my professors there were wonderful, passionate, and realistic (and criminally underpaid). I still got tons of personal attention despite it being a 30,000+ student school (I realize this has largely to do with my major. A business major would probably feel differently).

Social ineptitude around celebrities, 2nd ed: Larry King

2011-02-05T22:56:00.000-08:00

I served Larry King at my former Chinese restaurant job on Christmas Eve, 2009. Of course, since it was the pinnacle of the holiday season, I was over-worked, not wearing any makeup, and exhausted from a bad cold that had me crying a couple nights earlier while closing the bar.

I was bartending this day, too, but my manager asked me if I'd take table 11. Without even glancing at it, I sighed out a "sure." As I walked out of the bar and onto the line (the part of the kitchen that's closest to the dining room- servers hang out here), I overheard chatter and mutterings of the name "Larry King." I turned around, slightly curious. "Larry King's here?"

"Yeah, at table 11."

"His wife is Mormon, so they have a house here."

"She's a total trophy wife."

...and so on. I didn't feel the usual light-headedness and racing pulse that plague me when starstruck, but I was still acutely aware as I walked to his table that this is a really big celebrity. This is a household name, not your moderately popular indie band member that always leaves me tongue-tied. And I found myself completely unphased for once. It was a nice change.

He dresses much more youthfully outside of his show-expensive jeans and a baseball cap-so all those Joel McHale and Conan jokes about him being on earth at the same time as woolly mammoths didn't seem quite as potent in person.

Ok he's failing to look younger here in street clothes. Does the camera add ten years, too? No, wait, it's the Ed Hardy.

And then he ordered. He was a typical old person customer. He made old person requests and ordered an old person entree. When I told this to a co-worker back on the line, he immediately said, "What, like did he order almond and cashew chicken?" (yes)

My favorite part of serving Larry King happened when I refilled water at another table as a favor to a co-worker. The middle-aged dad sitting there asked me, "Are you serving Larry King?"

"Yeah," I answered with a smirk.

"How is it?"

I shrugged nonchalantly, still smirking, and replied, "Fine. He's really just another customer."

The man nodded, his eyes slightly glazed over. "Yeah...he's great!"

I guess I shouldn't hold it against him that he was so starstruck. Maybe he's a ginormous Larry King fan. Maybe he has Larry King memorabilia all over his den and every Larry King interview ever on VHS, organized chronologically in a closet. Maybe he reveres Larry King like I do Ben Folds. Probably not, though. I'm just glad I found the one famous person around whom I could still act like a person with an IQ higher than 60. But I hadn't escaped the social awkwardness quite yet.

The time came to offer dessert and boxes for their leftovers. They declined both, so I left a plate of fortune cookies and the bill, standing up on the edge of the table in a black, plastic check presenter. I went back in the kitchen and turned around less than a minute later to see if they'd paid yet. The check presenter stood, undisturbed, in the same place as I'd left it. I went about my duties in the bar and on the line, peeking nearly constantly to see if they'd done anything with the check presenter.

Ten minutes went by, then fifteen. Not that uncommon, a lot of people sit around chatting at the end of their meal, but I got nervous nonetheless. Since it was slow and I didn't have anything much better to do, I went out into the dining room and stood by the host desk, not too far from their table, to more closely monitor the check presenter situation. After a few more minutes of chatting with the hostesses and other servers that passed by, I decided to hazard a walk-by of their table, even though the check presenter still stood in the same spot I left it. I hate asking a table pre-maturely if the check is ready, because then they think I'm anxious for them to leave, which is usually not the case. As soon as I got within speaking distance of their table, Larry sat up, grabbed the check presenter, and handed it to me.

Dammit.

His card had been in there the whole time.

He must have slipped his card in right after I left the table, without moving the check presenter at all. Awesome. Now I've made Larry King wait 20 minutes to pay for no reason.

I felt extremely sheepish, but in my defense, most people, you know, move the check after they pay, or lay it down flat or SOMETHING so that the server knows they've put some form of legal tender in that black plastic case. They sat a while longer after I ran the card and gave it back to them, so at least they weren't in a hurry. And he tipped me a generous 30%, so he couldn't have been too irritated. I was the irritated one, for failing once again to have a normal social interaction with a celebrity, one that didn't even phase me. Just more proof of my all-around awkwardness.

It's easy, mmmkay

2011-02-02T17:03:00.001-08:00

Major item crossed off my bucket list recently: visit South Park, Colorado.

I currently live less than a couple hours away from South Park, so I screeched at my boyfriend to pull over the car when we drove through on our way to Denver so I could take these pictures.

There's not much there, a few gas stations and diners. The South Park of the show has a lot more going on than real South Park. There's no True Value, no plane-arium, no water park, no lesbian bar (I'm assuming), and no Tom's Rhinoplasty.

However, the spirit of South Park in the show is pretty accurate. Very cold (now I know why those kids are always wearing hats and mittens), VERY windy, just your average quiet little redneck mountain town.

Although we did nothing there but buy some snacks at a gas station, I feel a special connection with Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and of course Cartman after seeing in person the setting for all their shenanigans.

Steven Tyler is the new Paula Abdul

2011-01-27T16:30:00.000-08:00

I don't watch American Idol often, but I did last night in a fit of boredom and it was totally worth it for these three minutes. You may be thinking it's because of this young man's touching, heartbreaking story and lovely voice, but you'd be wrong. He's clearly a special person and I sympathize with what he has gone through, but the real gold starts at about 1:45, when the judges bring in Chris' handicapped girlfriend...I'll let you see for yourself.

American Idol was going for tearjerking, but the tears I cried were ones of laughter due to the judges' failure to be anything but awkward. See 1:47, when J.Lo introduces herself to the young woman, "Hi, I'm Jennifer (slight pause) Lopez." You know, the super famous one. Then, Steven Tyler turns it into a homerun by invading the personal space of a handicapped girl who he just met, stroking her hair, whispering in her ear, and KISSING her twice.

Um, what?? Inappropriate police!! Let's kiss and hug strangers who have no way of protesting or even backing away from us if they feel uncomfortable! Why? Because we're celebrities!! They are SO LUCKY to meet us!! I just love giving back.

Can I go back to cleveland now?

2011-01-15T14:54:00.000-08:00

Although it doesn't snow as much here in Gunnison, CO, I'm missing Utah and Ohio winters right now. Gunnison is one of the coldest places in the continental US.

It is SO cold that...

1. even with the pellet furnace and my space heater running all day, the house still doesn't totally warm up on the colder days.

2. my car battery died...and couldn't be revived after over an hour hooked up to another car's battery because it was too cold.

3. the streets are NEVER free of snow/ice even if it hasn't snowed in a week because it's too cold to melt.

4. if you stand outside at night for more than a minute you can feel the snot freezing inside your nose.

5. I've started wearing socks indoors. I hate socks.

No one warned me about this.

lots of links

2011-01-05T21:02:00.000-08:00

I'm being a total hack in this post because I just stumbled across a crop of really funny websites/submission blogs. You know, like cakewrecks? Everytime I turn around, more of these pop up and they're all so hilarious I waste a half hour on every one without realizing it.

Surgeon General Warning: Do not click on any of these if you have a paper to write or laundry to do or a souffle in the oven, etc. I am not responsible for any time losses incurred as a result of these websites.

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ - Just another reason not to get an iphone!

http://whydidyoubuymethat.com/ - We've all gotten gifts like this. I love how many of them are cat-related.

http://awfulfanart.com/ - I was laughing the most at this one. I can't figure out why distorted celebrity drawings amuse me so much. The Robert Pattinson one is amazing.

http://foodnetworkhumor.com/ - Making fun of food network hosts, which is all too easy when it comes to certain ones (*coughsandraleecough*). Whoever writes this site is devilishly witty!

So disappointed in myself

2011-01-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of the Twilight series right now. *ashamed face* I blame this man.

I know you can't tell from this picture, but his abs could bring about world peace. Or at least peace in my world, which is why, in an attempt to get on the good side of his mother, I agreed to give Twilight a try. I'd seen the movies and was underwhelmed, to say the least. Although Taylor Lautner's abs are a nice reward for suffering through the movies' underwhelmingness!

mmmmmm. that's nice.

Despite my vow to never read the series, which I'd heard were somewhat poorly written and just cheap, unrealistic fluff for silly schoolgirls, I found myself engrossed enough after the first book to continue plowing through. I'm currently on page 381 of book 4 after starting the first book less than three weeks ago. *another ashamed face* After having read half the series, it's easy to see why they are so successful and yet so censured.

pros:

-Bella is very likeable in the books. She's awkward and clumsy, but also humble, selfless, smart, and trustworthy.

-Stephenie Meyer has definitely fabricated a story that keeps the reader wanting more. The desire to see what happens next is the only thing that's kept my eyes racing from one page to the next.

-Edward's (and Jacob's) devotion to Bella is heart-melting. The idea of a man, or two men in this case, being so utterly, incomprehensibly commited to and in love with you, flaws and all, is intoxicating.

cons:

-Edward and Jacob's unrealistic obsession with Bella. While many women (and gay men?) are seduced by the intensity of the romance, I'm a little too cynical to give it any credit. I also don't believe in the idea of soul mates, so maybe this would be more plausible for those who do.

- The simplistic writing. Although Meyer is a good storyteller and paints some nice descriptions here and there, her style is not sophisticated. The sentences are short and simple, with a mostly basic vocabulary. The books are very easy to skim and I find myself occasionally skipping over whole paragraphs when I can tell they don't contain any vital or interesting information. This could also be considered a pro, I suppose, since it makes for a quick read. To put it briefly, you're not getting any smarter from reading these books.

-A lack of overarching plot, or purpose to the series. While each book seems to have its own struggle or malevolent force to overcome, there's (so far, almost done with the 4th book) no plot thread binding all the books together, like in Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or the His Dark Materials trilogy. Hell, even Star Wars. It's just a peek into the lives of some fantastical creature humans, with no hint at when we'll know they've achieved their happily ever after.

-I've noticed a trend of telling instead of showing when it comes to character illustration. Instead of showing us a personality trait by watching how a character acts in a given situation, Meyer just tells us straight up that so-and-so is this way. Although it hasn't hindered the books' success, it's a rather elementary and forgettable writing style.

p.s. in case you were wondering, I'm team ~~abs~~ Jacob.

Things That Suck (vol. I?)

2010-12-01T00:16:00.000-08:00

I've noticed I've been really negative lately because a lot of negative things are happening in my life at the moment, so why not make it official and put it on ye olde blog.

1. cars

I'll do my best to make this brief, since fully detailing the history of my car's suckiness would take 26 paragraphs. I have a 2000 Saturn wagon. When I bought it in 2008, it had just under 60,000 miles on it and was in top condition. Since then, I shudder to realize I've spent somewhere in the neighborhood of $3000 on repairs.

My car hates me. And it's just me. On three separate occasions at two different mechanics, the car has been operating perfectly after being worked on for hours, the bills paid and the keys handed over to me, only to shut off spontaneously within a few miles of the garage. When taken back to the mechanics, the car behaves like a saint. They can't find a trace of the shenanigans that caused me to break down in the middle of traffic.

I'm currently suffering from the latest spate of this behavior. After two weeks at the mechanics (he was shorthanded and really busy, but I mean still, come on) and a number of parts replaced, I still have service lights illuminated on my dashboard and the spontaneous-shutting-off syndrome. All of this just reinforces my desperation to move to Europe where vehicle-free living is perfectly possible.

2. Apple

image from http://www.allaboutapple.com/museo/appleii.htm

For a company that was started to make computers for mentally handicapped people, they sure make it pretty hard to get in contact with them.

I'm having problems with my ipod (first and not last evidence of this anecdote that Apple is lame) so I set up an appointment on the Apple website at the salt lake store to meet with a "genius" (their label not mine). It soon became clear that my car would prohibit me from going to my appointment, so I looked up the number of the Salt Lake store to cancel.

Instead of connecting me with a store associate, it connected me to an automated computer system, but not before playing a lengthy greeting listing what Apple products my loved ones would most enjoy this holiday season.

Once I got to the numbered menu, none of the choices even vaguely resembled "talk to a store associate, " so I went with option 5 for "other miscellaneous questions." After letting the phone ring about 286 times, I realized that Apple was never going to let me talk to a store associate, or even a real person for that matter. The Salt Lake Apple store probably doesn't even have a phone in their building; the listing that I found for them is most likely a flimsy facade to temporarily pacify people like me who are trying to honor common courtesy by saving some harried Apple employee a little time during the holiday season. Sorry for trying to be polite.

3. eating- No matter how many times I do it, I always just get hungry again a few hours later. Greedy stomach.

4. working out- No matter how many times I do it, my abs refuse to resemble a washboard. Greedy stomach muscles.

Questions I Am Tired of Being Asked: 4th ed. How did you start playing the harp?

2010-11-26T18:12:00.001-08:00

This is not an interesting story people, but I suppose I get asked so often because the harp is a less common instrument. I mean, I don't think I've ever asked anyone how they started playing the piano. That could just be because I'm incredibly self-centered though.

Hey it's me! OR it's a picture of a stranger I took from a stock photo website. We'll never know.

See that woman on the left side of the picture my mom failed to include in the photo? That's my harp teacher, and my mom met her at a wedding reception she was playing at. When she took a break, my mom started chatting with her and asked if she gave lessons and if I could come try it out. I had never expressed any actual interest in picking up the harp, but that didn't stop my mom from setting up my first lesson, and the rest is history. She wanted a child who played the harp, and I had no objection to learning. I mean, why wouldn't you want to play the harp?

Ok, THAT one's definitely me. I was 17 and still had that ugly mole that I later got remo... um, wait! No, this a stock photo too!

At the same time, I never applied myself as hard as I could during those high school years of weekly lessons due to my crippling laziness. I enjoyed playing the harp very much and still do, but I was definitely more excited about getting my driver's license than becoming accomplished at a beautiful and unique instrument. Typical teenage ingrate. If I ever have kids, I'm shipping them off to an isolated farm during their teenage years.

Questions I Am Tired of Being Asked: 3rd ed. What ethnicity are you?

2010-11-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

Or any other variation of that question. (Hint: I'm white.)

I wouldn't be tired of hearing this question if people didn't ask it so awkwardly. I think they are worried they'll offend me or be politically incorrect if they straight up ask me what race or ethnicity I am. Instead, people come up with really roundabout ways of asking me this, i.e.

Why are you so exotic looking?

Your eyes look so Asian!

What is your genealogical background/ancestry/gene pool/etc...

(Side note: Is it un-P.C. to directly ask someone what race/ethnicity they are? I would not be offended, but one girl I worked with years ago who was half black got really mad at me when I commented that I couldn't tell what ethnicity a certain customer was. Oh, and then she wouldn't tell me why she was mad, so I remain puzzled.)

Egyptian has been a common guess, along with Asian, but I'm about 99% Caucasian. Exciting, no? I do have a Native American greatgreatgreatgreat (more greats?) grandmother on my Father's side, as do many Caucasian Americans. Her name was Running Deer and she was Mohawk.

an authentic depiction of my Grandma and Grandpa on their first date

However, I have a hard time believing whatever exotic qualities people see in me can be attributed to that tiny fraction of my genetics, so the original question goes unanswered. We can speculate that my mom fooled around with the postman, but he was white too so I don't know where that leaves us.

Questions I Am Tired of Being Asked: 2nd ed. So if you don't eat meat, like, what do you eat?

2010-10-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

No I am not kidding. Apparently some people really eat THAT much meat that they would starve if they couldn't eat it anymore.

The problem is that whenever I am asked this, I never know what to answer because I barely have to think about it in day to day life- I am never struggling to think of things to eat.

Some of my favorite foods:

-any kind of fresh fruit

-peanut butter

-Kefir (basically just a yogurt drink that's really good for digestion)

-cereal and the entire rest of the carb world

-lots of different kinds of soup

-Mexican food

-Indian food

-Italian food

-Chinese/Japanese/Thai/Korean food

-Middle Eastern food

Let's not forget about all the meat substitute products available in all supermarkets these days. I can still have burgers, chicken nuggets, ground beef, and corn dogs. I have more recipes saved up that I want to try than I will ever have time for. And the size 10 dresses and pants in my closet testify that I'm not about to starve anytime soon. It is so easy to eat vegetarian and it disappoints me when this has to be explained to others.

Thrifty Makeup Secrets

2010-09-15T20:49:00.001-07:00

I am by no means a professional makeup artist or even makeup junkie, but when I do bother to put on makeup, people often ask me if I'm wearing fake eyelashes or where I get my eyeshadow from. The answers to those questions are, respectively, no and Coastal Scents. I'll come back to the mascara part in a second, but coastal scents is for girls (and boys. I don't hate. but guyliner is still dumb.) like me who lust after MAC products but not MAC prices. I have this 78-color palette that I bought for about $20 but they have lots of variations if you want more or fewer colors in your palette or ones with shimmer, etc.

I've tried so many eyeshadows, and this one definitely bests them for how long they last and how intense the color is. Can I reiterate how freaking good a deal this is? $20 for this quality and quantity of eyeshadow? Steal of a lifetime.

As for the mascara, I am addicted to huge black exaggerated eyelashes, but the one time I tried on false lashes, it just weighed my eyelids down and made my eyes all squinty. Not hot. So I've done my research, kissed a lot of frogs, read a lot of online customer reviews, and my favorite mascaras are L'oreal Lash Architect (sadly, not manufactured anymore so it has to be bought online. Try ebay.) and L'oreal Double Extend- available in most any grocery or drug store.

I highly recommend getting the waterproof version. It's just better. No, I don't know why. It's slightly more expensive than a few other drugstore variety mascaras (like $10 or so if I'm remembering correctly, but I get coupons in the mail for l'oreal all the time) , but you get what you pay for. Remember, you're getting a mascara AND a primer, and the primer really does make all the difference in the world. I just do the primer and then two coats of the actual mascara and I'm all set. It's really not clumpy but I do keep a hi-tech safety pin around when I put mascara on so that I can separate my lashes as needed. It works a lot better than those dumb eyelash combs.

WARNING: Be so so so SO careful if you put a pin anywhere near your eyeball. Always keep the pin pointing straight up and down and never horizontal toward your eye to minimize chances of poking. I've poked my eye a couple times when I wasn't being careful and it's not fun. Luckily it didn't do permanent damage but my eye freaking HURT for like a half hour.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a paid endorsement, I'm just spreading the gospel of cheap but worthwhile makeup for those of us not interested in spending $14 on one eyeshadow.

Social ineptitude around celebrities, 1st ed: David Macklovitch

2010-09-15T19:47:00.000-07:00

The singer of the wonderful duo Chromeo. I've blogged...no, written. I hate when people use blog as a verb. Or a noun. It's a stupid word. I've written about my love for him previously so go back and read that if you don't know who he is. He's not paparazzi/tabloid famous, but that didn't stop me from acting special ed when I met him a few weeks ago.

It was at the W Lounge in Salt Lake, where Chromeo was doing a DJ set/after party after opening for Big Boi at the Twilight free concert series (no relation to the vampire books).

I spent about a half hour trying to get up the courage to go talk to him, which is saying something considering the amount of liquid courage I had in me at that point. They finished DJ-ing and he was just hanging out in the club, talking to fans here and there like a totally normal person and not the god that he is. Remmington finally pushed me off the dancing stage and toward him as he was starting to migrate toward the exit. My suave and clearly infallible plan was to speak French to him since he is a phD candidate in French lit at Columbia, so that would surely set me apart from the rest of the adoring fans there that night as special, intelligent, intriguing, etc, inducing him to want to get to know me and eventually, marry me. Brilliant plan, right?

What actually happened is that when I got within five feet of him and he graciously stopped so that I could say hi to him, I conveniently forgot how to speak ANY language, let alone French. So I stood there for an undetermined period, gawking at him while I tried frantically to make my brain and my mouth communicate with one another, and he quizzically looked at Remmington standing behind me, who just shrugged and shook his head.

Finally I squawked out a "hi!" and stepped a little closer so I could mumble some probably grammatically incompetent French sentence about how great I think he is. He was wonderful, laughed politely and let me say a couple more sentences in French about how I wish I went to Columbia (huh??), blah blah blah, est-ce que je peux prendre un photo avec toi? THANK GOD FOR REMMINGTON'S IPHONE, because I did not have my camera on me.

Remmington and my other friend there, Ryan, both made fun of me for about a week after the incident because apparently I couldn't stop grinning like a moron or re-hashing it for a couple hours after it happened. Did he really have his arm around me? Did I look cute? I hope my French accent wasn't too terrible. How long did I really stand there awkwardly before I said anything? Wait, let me look at the picture again, are you sure I didn't have my sunglasses on? And so on... Needless to say he hasn't proposed to me yet, but I'll keep you updated.

Questions I Am Tired of Being Asked: 1st ed. Why are you a vegetarian?

2010-08-08T19:57:00.001-07:00

As the title suggests, this will be the first in a series of blog posts. Today's edition is the inaugural post for a reason: it is the question I am MOST tired of being asked. It is a sad sign of today's American society that so many people cannot fathom on their own why anyone would choose to abstain from meat and thus feel the need to ask me, apparently the first vegetarian they have ever encountered, why? Dear God, why?!

My story begins in the tenth grade. I was 15 years old, in honors biology class, and we were in the middle of the fetal pig dissection unit. Rotting, putrid baby piglet carcasses stored in formaldehyde, with morsels of their decaying insides occasionally migrating up through their digestive tracks to other parts of the body, which I then had to clean out. Appetizing, no? NO.

After several days of this, I remember sitting down to lunch in the cafeteria with my friends, beginning to eat the lunch meat-turkey sandwich my mom had packed for me. As I chewed the cold, moist meat in my mouth and thought about its texture, I was strongly reminded of those rotting, brownish green specks of who knows what that I had to clean off the pig's tongue, and of the brown/gray-tinged layer of fat and tissue lining the inside of the pig's skin, aka the part where meat comes from. It didn't help that I could ALWAYS smell formaldehyde on my hands no matter how long I washed them during the two to three week fetal pig unit.

Trying to eat my turkey sandwich that day triggered my gag reflex and I had to stop eating for fear of throwing up. I had no appetite or interest for meat from that moment on, and I remember thinking in my 15 year old brain, what if I became a vegetarian? Why not? I can just see how it goes, it doesn't sound that hard. The thing I was most scared of was not being able to eat Taco Bell mexican pizzas anymore, which is not all that heavy of a cross to bear when you think about it. I would later find out that Taco Bell employees everywhere are happy to make me my beloved mexican pizzas without the beef. They're just as good, and I've never once looked back.

Reinforcing my vegetarian choices was the Persuasive Paper I wrote the following year in my 11th grade English class on treating animals more humanely. I read heartbreaking stories about the mistreatment of circus elephants and baby bears and the insensitivity cows in the beef industry undergo. I even touched on research about how much more detrimental to the environment the beef industry is than the transportation industry; a topic that has been thoroughly canvassed in today's media but was only just starting to grab attention in 2002.

This November, I will have been a vegetarian for nine years, and my motivations are largely the same as when I was 15.

1. Inhumanity: animals in the food production industry are often killed inhumanely and kept in unsanitary and cruel conditions while they wait to be slaughtered.

2. Environment: the amount of oil needed to run the beef industry is shameful, as is the degradation to our world's farmlands. Furthermore, the inordinate number of cows that are bred for the food industry are destroying the ozone layer with all the methane gas they emit. (i.e. if people ate less red meat and milk, cattle operations would keep fewer cows around and greenhouse gas levels would decrease)

3. Health: The current average American's consumption of meat (especially red) is gluttonous, unnatural, and unnecessary, even harmful to human health.

4. Unsustainability: The oceans are rapidly being depleted of marine wildlife because of the demand for sushi and other seafood. I love sushi, but I want fishies to still be around in 100 years so I get mine with just veggies (it's still scrumptious).

5. Frugality: Not actually a motivation, just a nice benefit- food without meat is pretty much always cheaper than chicken, beef, pork, seafood, etc. so I'm saving on my food costs in the grocery store and when I eat out.

Do I miss meat? Most people I talk to think they would miss meat too much to stick with being vegetarian, and maybe they would. I don't though, ever. I'm notoriously lazy and unregimented, so if being a vegetarian was hard, believe me I would not be one. I used to miss corndogs of all things, but they make meat-substitute versions of those now (they're not bad!), plus it's been long enough that I stopped missing them several years ago. And no need to tease me about the corndog thing, I realize it's the equivalent of saying I gave up TV and all I really miss watching is vH1.

Why Americans are fat

2010-07-29T21:26:00.000-07:00

Michael Pollan wrote a 464-page book on the topic involving complex cultural comparisons and an in-depth look into food production in America, but he was wrong. And it doesn't have to do with an aversion to exercise either.

The real reason we're fat? We eat too much.

I realized this when I went to Iceberg Drive Inn (known locally for its thick shakes) for the first time the other day since I've been back from Europe. This is the ice cream at Iceberg:

And this is the ice cream at a popular gelato shop in France, Amorino.

Both ice creams are shown in the smallest size offered. Anyone else notice a ludicrous size difference? The American small is an overflowing 20-30 ounce cup while the European small is roughly the size of a tennis ball.

Mystery solved. Sorry Pollan.

other peoples' brilliance

2010-04-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

Amy: Someone took advantage of you, and as usual, you just backed down.

Tim: I didn't back down, I stood there and made sarcastic comments.

-From the latest episode of The Life and Times of Tim

"Last night I went out with a girl named Hadar...she usually goes by Dar so of course I call her Darth Vader. One time I said "Hadar-ken!" but she didn't know what I meant, so I'm not sure if I like her." -my brother

the view outside my bedroom window this morning

2010-04-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas!

No? What? Wrong major Christian holiday? Oh.

Do you think maybe it's Mother Nature's commentary on the historical inaccuracy of the dates we've chosen for Christmas and Easter? Just a thought.

boys I am in love with

2010-04-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

"I have a crush on every boy!" I made the very diplomatic decision to leave off any boys I actually know in real life and who might see this through facebook or other means. So if you're a boy and I know you, don't lose hope- I might still adore you!

1. David Macklovitch

image courtesy of http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/41844790.html

If you don't know who this is, shame on you, but I can't say I'm surprised. He's the lead singer of the two man act Chromeo- one of my favorite bands. He's Jewish (a classic turn-on, I know), he's a great dresser, great dancer, not gay for once, and most importantly a phD candidate at Columbia in French literature. He also teaches French there to undergrads. Damn, I wish I would have known that earlier or I would have transferred to Columbia instead of UVU. No snide comments, please. Anyway, he's the first one on this list for a reason. Here's Chromeo's latest video if anyone needs more proof.

2. MIKA

I don't even know where to start. The perfectly curly hair, the voice to die for, the delightful kookiness of his music and videos...thank God someone took this picture so we know what perfection looks like up close. And yes he admits to being bi, which means he's probably gay but you know what? Sexuality is not really a criteria for a list of guys I will never have.

3. Eli Roth

This is only a recent obsession, but I got a chick boner from witnessing his raw aggression in Inglourious Basterds. Let's not try to analyze why, but his display of sheer power and uncontained force really does it for me. Maybe also gay (heard from a totally not authoritative source so forgive me if I'm wrong. I just assumed the source was correct because most guys I'm obsessed with turn out to be gay)? And definitely also Jewish. Man I love Jews. I think it has something to do with their generally dark coloring- it just makes them look so manly.

4. Jeff Goldblum

Only one more Jew after this, I promise! I had no idea I loved him until I recently saw a pretty old interview of him on Late Night with Conan. Sure he's on the old side and he gets mocked a lot for the way he talks, but he just exudes virility and confidence. Through all the stuttering, you get the feeling he knows how to treat a lady. And that he's up to no good at the same time.

5. Conan O'Brien

Image from Entertainment Weekly

Speaking of Conesies, yes he's goofy and ginger, but that's why I love him. The self-deprecation is so endearing, and there is no dance sexier than the string dance.

6. Brian Rosenworcel aka Thunder God

This is the drummer of Guster, and you will not fully appreciate this one unless you've seen them play live. I saw them play before I was really a fan of the band at all and was immediately intrigued by the manic bongo player. Besides being a scruffy, hot Jew, he also exudes force, energy, and a raw animal intensity when he's on stage. I timidly scrambled up to him after a show many years ago and got to touch his calloused, amazing hands and snag a photo.

(Editor's note: Not to be a finnicky girl, but I need to point out that I was fatter then and this is my bad side. And my bff manda in the red, who unfortunately lives across the country from me and is one of the best people on the planet.)

7. Ben Folds

I saved the best for last. Neither Jewish or gay, but his musical genius defies all mankind and god. He (Ben Folds Five, to be precise) was my first musical love that wasn't a part of the Backstreet Boys genre and I've only fallen more in love with him in the 13 or so years since.

So there you have it. If this insight into my psyche doesn't classify me as disturbed, then I don't know what would. Except maybe if I was a serial killer and/or cannibal. That would probably be a bigger sign. Everyone on this list is either Jewish, gay, or married with children. That actually sounds like a good variation on that game show, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." I've never watched it, but I might if they replaced the straight with Jewish.

the bastardization of Holi

2010-03-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

For those of you not living in Utardia (or Asia I suppose), Holi is a Hindu holiday that is celebrated by thousands of Utah college students at the Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork.

(I foolishly have not taken a picture of the whole temple myself so I stole this lovely image from this person's flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/navaren/3344155868/ )

It's more commonly referred to as the festival of colors around here because you throw powdered, colored chalk at everyone while a band plays ethnic-ish music, and then a witch* is burned at the stake.

La foule, as the French say.

The real festival is a two week long ordeal in India and some other Asian countries that celebrates, among other things, brotherly love and the end of winter. Wikipedia "Holi" if you want to know more.

Anyway, I attended Holi three years ago and then again yesterday, and the difference between the two experiences astounded me.

1. I like lists. They allow me to put less effort into construction and transitions when I write, while also making the text more accessible.

2. The biggest difference: 3 years ago, holi was about losing yourself in the music, spirit, dancing, and the simultaneous sense of community and anonymity in the midst of a community of generally straight-laced mormons. This year, holi was about taking lots of pictures of yourself comically covered in brightly colored powder so that you can have a new facebook profile picture.

For the record, this is not (nor has it ever been) my profile picture. And leave it to me to frame the picture so that the headrest in front of me takes up half the shot.

3. The change in atmosphere. As people just arriving at the festival walked by our chalked-out group and saw me holding a half-full bag of chalk, at least 4 or 5 of them stopped, screeching "get me!" and holding out their arms. Um, excuse me? The point is to ambush people, not to oblige willing participants in their planned-out vanity. I did my best to keep things out of control though, by smearing chalk in their hair instead of on their outstretched arms, or by simply dumping the chalk in their faces, leaving them shrieking and coughing in alarm.

4. There was a jamba juice shack set up next to the temple. WTF is all I can say about that. There is nothing less rock and roll than jamba juice. Now holi has been bastardized AND commercialized.

*chosen from among the girls wearing sleeveless tops, shorts cut above the knee, or with multiple ear piercings

2010-03-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

For the past 7 and a half years, I've been a vegetarian, or as I like to call it, "I don't eat meat." The reason I like to avoid the term "vegetarian" is that it has negative, subconscious associations for many omnivores. They think I'm going to be a hippie, or activist, or at the very least give them a hard time about eating meat (I am none of those things, at least not unless provoked). They also, upon hearing the word "vegetarian," think I eat a lot of vegetables. Also not the case. I eat some vegetables, to be clear, but people are always quite surprised when I mention my hatred of certain vegetables.

1. Asparagus

Asparagus tastes horrible, I'm reminded of wet, dirty laundry whenever I try to eat it. Even when smothered with butter, salt, or any other seasoning, the dirty laundry taste still dominates. Furthermore, so many people seem to love this disgusting little piece of greenery. Why? I'm convinced this plant was never meant for human consumption.

2. Mushrooms (not a vegetable, but ask me if I care)

Some varieties are worse than others (namely black), but even the firmer varieties are still mushy, poor in taste, and generally unappetizing. Just thinking about having a mushroom in my mouth makes me want to throw up.

3. Olives

They look like frog eyes and the taste is just awful. I can't even think of anything to compare it to because no other food is dumb enough to bear any resemblance to olives.

4. Celery

Completely bland and has possibly the worst texture of anything I've ever eaten. One of my earliest memories is of my family having a picnic. My mom handed me a celery stick with peanut butter and raisins in the groove. I took a bite, gagged, then licked out the peanut butter and rasins and handed the celery stick back to my mom. I stand by that decision I made as a small child to this day.

5. Water chestnuts

Once again, we have a vegetable that has fallen prey to the trap of gag reflex-inducing texture. The taste is slightly bitter and not at all pleasant, so let's just discard it from our recipe boxes and grocery stores, ok?

I hope after this list, I will never again be questioned over being a vegetarian who hates a few vegetables. People who eat these foods are weird and probably ate paste and/or their own boogers as a child. They should be the ones under scrutiny, not me.

improvisation

2010-03-04T05:10:00.000-08:00

We're switching all our well liquors at work right now and still haven't gotten in our new light rum, and I guess they threw away the old one?? I have a hard time believing we ran out because I'd bet three-fitty that we had a backup bottle. Either way, we have no light (non-flavored) rum right now. So it's not a huge problem since we sell a lot more beer and wine than anything involving hard liquor but tonight someone ordered a zombie. Zombies have light rum as the main pour and two different kinds of dark rum in the recipe (and are extremely delicious). After asking my manager what to substitute and receiving no helpful answer because he secretly would rather be a bartender than a manager and is always looking for excuses to try to sneak in the bar and make drinks when I'm not looking (I could go on but that's a whole nother blog post), I improvised and just used a shot of vodka and a packet of sugar. HAHA. Light rum really isn't much more complicated than that anyway right??

Speaking of alcohol, I threw away a completely intact pineapple the other day because it was extremely ripe, to the point of mushiness. Thinking back, I wish I'd saved it, cut it up, and tested if I could get buzzed off eating pineapple slices. LIGHTBULB! I'm going to make pineapple wine, if you steal my idea I will kill you, or at least pay a gang of feral dogs to do it for me.

....wait what do you mean wine doesn't work like that?

the Valeries

2010-02-25T00:12:00.000-08:00

With the Oscars rapidly approaching, here is my list of movies of 2009 that I loved. I'm not a movie critic nor do I claim that this list is comprehensive or definitive, just a list of movies that touched me in some way. I'm extremely cynical about Hollywood and am always going off about how 42 horrible movies are made for every good one and what a waste of money and time and effort, etc, blah blah blah but for once I need to eat my words. I was in love with so many movies I've watched over the past few months and decided to make a brief list of my favorites here. I think they're in chronological order? But I'm certainly not going to double-check.*

Coraline- just enchanting. Stunning visuals and a cute but spooky story with quirky and original characters.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li- just kidding.

Obsessed- this movie blew chunks but it's on here because it was hilarious to mock with my friends and almost worth sitting through to see Beyonce beat a white chick.

Up- It was well-made but I'll never watch it again because I cried four (4) separate times while watching it in the theater with my parents, one of which occurred within the first ten minutes. Not ok, disney.

Inglourious Basterds!!!- possible my favorite movie of the year. There are no words. Just see it if you haven't. I'm always opposed to gratuitous violence but Tarantino somehow always makes it palatable. I am also in love with Eli Roth, not that this is relevant to my love of this movie (except it is). And can we talk about Christoph Waltz?! If he doesn't win an Oscar then I will, um...kick a baby. Ok I would've done that anyway.

Extract- worth it if only for the David Koechner plotline. But all the other parts were good too, like Ben Affleck as the drug-addled, hippie bartender, the best braindead 17 year old poolboy ever, and Jason Bateman's general existence...I like Kristen Wiig too but there just wasn't much humor to her role in this movie.

The Invention of Lying- so funny. so so funny. Louis CK was heavily under-utilized though. If you remain skeptical, just look at the billing on that poster and tell me you're not curious. Plus for It's Always Sunny fans, there's a brief cameo from one of the Mcpoyle (sp?) brothers that helped me reach Jungian self-actualization.

Zombieland- I hate horror and violence and gore movies but this was funny and well-written and acted and all that. Best cameo EVER. You know what I'm talking about if you've seen it.

An Education- This movie inhabited my soul. I don't know how else to explain my love for it. Peter Saarsgaard is always just delightful, even when he's not supposed to be.

Men Who Stare at Goats- weird but funny and interesting.

Fantastic Mr. Fox- Wes Anderson ftw. Maybe my 2nd fave movie this year? Every scene with Jason Schwartzman made my life complete.

Up in the Air- I didn't actually agree with the final message that George Clooney's character learns but I did agree with everything else about this movie (not just talking about plot here).

Avatar- the plot, characters, and dialogue were stock, but still compelling and entertaining and I don't think I need to go into the visual effects. Yes, James Cameron is an unoriginal hack, that fact has already been well-established by his previous work, but the man knows how to spend money on special effects. You can't understand what they mean when they say this movie is a game-changer until you see it. (Note that I am not including posters for movies that were widely enough advertised that I'm guessing everyone already knows what the movie poster looks like. Or that I simply am too lazy to get a poster for.)

The Secret of Kells- precious little Irish animated movie. The style is whimsical, original and beautiful, wrapped up in a magical and moving story. I cannot overemphasize how stunning the visual experience alone of this movie is, all without motion capture and CGI. Just wait until you get to the forest sequence. James Cameron could learn a few things from these animators. Namely that it's possible to make a visually stunning movie without spending $500 million on motion capture and CGI.

The Young Victoria- this movie stayed way more under the radar than it should have. Great acting, great writing, great story, unbelievable costumes and set. I watched it twice in two days, that's how much I loved it. This is tied with Fantastic Mr. Fox for my 2nd fave movie of the year. To be fair, its biggest strength is probably the crazy-elaborate costumes, so here's a peek at one of Emily Blunt's many dresses.

The Hangover (I've officially stopped any attempt at chronology or order in my life.)- Keep walking grandpa.

Role Models- LAWL. Just lawl.

Julie and Julia- cuuuuuuuute. Proof that chick flicks can be great cinema. Although I just watched The Lovely Bones the other day and the fact that Stanley Tucci can be so creepy in that and so charming and likeable in this makes me simultaneously more creeped out and impressed with his acting skills. There are a lot of actors out there who only seem to play one role in any movie- Will Smith, Michael Cera, Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise (don't argue with me, when was the last time besides Tropic Thunder that he played a role with any character depth or variation? And even in that one he was hiding behind a fat suit, prosthetics and a lot of accessories/makeup) come to mind, but Stanley Tucci is NOT one of those actors. Good for him.

Away We Go- also cute. and funny. and moving. lots of great performances. I cannot recommend this movie enough because so few people seem to have seen it. And yet Transformers 2 was the 4th top grossing film of the year? Excuse me for a minute, I need to go rail at God.

Funny People- just watched this last week and it made me fall even more in love with Aubrey Plaza and Jason Schwartzman.

Movies that are very deliberately missing from this list: 500 Days of Summer, Transformers 2, Harry Potter 6, Taken, He's Just Not That Into You, Watchmen, Star Trek, The Hurt Locker, District 9. I have subjective reasons for disliking only two of these, the rest I can come up with solid, objective criticism of, which I may do at a later point. If I feel like it. So there.

*they're not.

please don't judge me

2010-02-05T00:12:00.000-08:00

Clearly my project of putting all/any worthwhile old blogs on here got sidetracked, what with work and school and my commitment to never miss the Daily Show. How else am I supposed to stay informed? I'm still not doing that, I just felt the need to write about addiction. Afrin is addictive. So is my job.

Most people know about Afrin's addictive potential but do most of them also know how dangerous it is? Apparently it can cause horrible side effects like semi-permanent closure of the nasal passage, hallucination, suicidal thoughts, gnashing of teeth, killer robots, etc. I discovered this b/c I took afrin tonight (and cough syrup. I'm drinking it out of the bottle these days, don't judge me. It's really more to do with impatience than irresponsibility) and had a bad reaction as I do from time to time with Afrin. My throat has been irritatingly dry and prickly for the past couple hours. I've been sucking on citrus vitamin c drops non-stop in an attempt to get my throat to re-hydrate itself to no avail.

In the height of my discomfort, I googled "afrin throat needles" or something like that to see if my problem is common and/or has a simple remedy. I did not find any forums or sites discussing my particular problem but I did find a woman describing how Afrin had basically ruined her life. It makes me think twice about using it, except not really because the aforementioned woman, let's call her Beth for convenience's sake, took Afrin for five days straight, whereas I adhere strictly to the three day max rule as proscribed on the bottle. Besides, Afrin is magical, I could never give it up. What other over the counter (or prescription) medication works as instantaneously and well as Afrin? NONE that I've ever tried. When a product delivers on that level, I cannot abandon it. But I'm still scared of it. Kind of like Lady Gaga. I guess we didn't really need to name Beth, did we?

But what really inspired this post was my job. It takes longer than three days to become addicted, but the addiction is just as life-ruining. I hate myself. I hate people. I'm tired of my friends, and I can't hang out with the friends I'm not tired of because I'm too busy. I have little to no faith in the world, I get angry more often and faster than I used to, I'm a bigger asshole when I drive now, and I can't lose weight b/c of my ridiculous schedule and because I'm surrounded by fatty restaurant food.

But I can't leave because I'm addicted. Why? The money. I'm not a Rockefeller, or even one of the hussies that Tiger was probably paying off in vain to keep their mouths shut, but I'm living pretty comfortably as a college student. I can go shopping or go out to eat whenever I want, rent a private room in a nice, newer apartment, buy dvds and $44 Flight of the Conchords tickets, afford the monthly payments on a car with leather heated seats, take a road trip to LA, pay for unexpected $1200 car repairs when I break down in the Mojave desert on the way to LA, etc. I was a poor college student before I had this job, and I'm not going back!

I need these luxuries like a heroin junkie needs her needle. And unfortunately, I've become accustomed to prostituting myself at the feet of Utah Valley restaurant patrons in order to get my fix, just as the junkie would prostitute herself on the Reno street corners to get hers. Drugs do not beget happy, fulfilled lives, and neither does restaurant work. Yet so few of us seem able to leave it behind and build a more functional life. The parallels between drugs and my job are disturbing.

The light at the end of the tunnel, of course, is that I'm set to graduate in a few months, at which time I intend to throw my apron down dramatically on the line and leave the service industry forever, having acquired the necessary qualifications to find a bleak office job and wither away in a 9 to 5 life.

lovin the dirrrty life

2009-12-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

I've been experimenting lately with not washing my hair every day, as seems to be the norm here in uber dry Utah. Or maybe everywhere, and I just wasn't aware of it before I moved here. But seriously, my hair gets really greasy in a 24 hour period so I always just sighed and stared longingly at the girls I knew who hadn't washed their hair in four days and it still looked powder fresh. I've even talked to some girls who have contests to see how long they can go without washing their hair, the longest I've heard is two weeks. Some things just aren't fair. OR ARE THEY?

I have a theory that your hair adapts over time to how frequently you wash it. Since I washed mine everyday, it produced more grease in a shorter time period. I have no idea if this is scientifically accurate or if I just reconciled myself to having slightly less clean hair, but after a couple months of washing my hair on average once every other day, it seems a lot less greasy the second day! Granted I can still tell a little bit of difference in appearance and in how it reacts when I style it, but I can actually stand to be seen in public with unwashed hair now, whereas before it felt like nails on a chalkboard.

So I'm here to encourage other girls like me who think they HAVE to wash their hair everyday to give it a try. Make sure you have a lot of hats to wear and lots of baby powder to rub into your roots on the second day of not washing for the first month or two, but there's a good chance that after a while your hair grease will calm down and you'll be able to save some time in your morning routine (and in your hair's well-being, since it dries your hair out and is just generally not going to improve its health by washing it every day)! Not to mention you'll save money on shampoo since you're using half as much. Which is a big deal for me and other girls who don't buy cheap shampoo and have to use a lot of conditioner because their hair is on the longer side.

The Office Manifesto

2009-09-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not even that into either version of the show; it's just that people around here have been SO annoying lately about talking about how the American version is better than the British one, AND everyone I've talked to who argues that has not seen more than one or two episodes.
Basically the reason why the BBC version is better is because the American one is the exact same show with the exact same main characters with almost the exact same script. The American re-make is completely unnecessary, a greedy and redundant endeavor on the part of everyone involved. They're not saying anything new or insightful with it, and I'm pretty sure the only reason it was created was because they had this fantastic product with the BBC version but it was only having marginal success in America since most Americans are too idiotic to be able to embrace something that's not being shoved down their throats during every commercial break of Grey's Anatomy.
So what to do? How to tap the American market with this show that so obviously merits attention and success? Just re-cast it with more attractive people and slap it on NBC primetime! (see below for side by side comparisons of the attractiveness levels of the corresponding characters so you can judge for yourself if this is not the case) Of course, why didn't we think of it before?!! Americans are too close-minded and ethnocentric to accept an original and exceptionally well-written and -acted show if the actors look like regular people and have natural British accents. Duh. How naive of us to ever expect otherwise! I can't believe we waited this long to make petty alterations so as to conform to the mold of every other primetime sit-com and reinforce the convoluted American standards that suppress diversity and encourage ignorance and complacency. God forbid they have to reach outside their comfort bubble to experience something worthwhile, so we'll just cater to their laziness.
On an irrelevant-to-my-argument note, I do think Gareth would kick Dwight's ass and that Ricky Gervais is just too tough an act to follow. Steve Carell isn't half as annoying.

vs.

vs.

vs.

originally posted 12/13/06

UGH! I've edited the layout of the pictures multiple times so they're actually side by side but they always go back to doing that... oh well you get the idea.

blanket movie review

2009-09-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

Well I just got back from seeing Step Up at the dollar theater and unfortunately must now add it to my list of movies where my main reaction was "too much plot." Seriously, think about it...does anyone go to see movies like "Step Up," "Bring It On," "Drumline," "High School Musical," or "Stick It" for the plot? Of COURSE not. So when will the people who make these movies figure out that they're putting way too much plot (or more accurately, effort at a plot) in these movies and not nearly enough dancing/singing/marching band/gymnastics/general performing? If you want plot, go rent Memento or an M. Night Shyamalan movie or something. But not Lady in the Water, I heard that sucked big time.
In essence, these movies should ideally be a succession of, oh, maybe a dozen or 15 innovative performance scenes strung together by some sort of pithy and shallow romance story with minimal dialogue and lots of making out, kind of like the second Matrix movie (obviously replacing fighting with performing). There was way too much plot in Step Up. One of the characters even died, for crying out loud. What is that??! No way should this type of movie attempt anywhere near that level of seriousness.

For all the marching band nerd like me, here's...well, something you've probably already seen.

originally posted 10/19/06

I wish that scooter still worked.

2009-09-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was riding dirty on my scooter, Reggie, the other day, and Reggie is not endowed with all the awesome rapid acceleration powers of your average car.

me and Reg circa July 2006

It's not a huge difference, it's just like, when I'm sitting at a stoplight with other cars, they'll get going at a better pace more quickly than I can when the light turns green. It might be a slight annoyance for the more gas-pedal happy driver behind me, but I'm not exactly holding up traffic when everyone is just accelerating to get to the next red light 500 feet ahead.
So this big stupid tan SUV was behind me the other night, and they were stuck behind me for a stretch cause of turning and lanes and junk. Finally it was able to pass me and the driver craned his neck around to give me some really dirty looks because I was not going fast enough to enable him to race to be the first one to arrive at the next red light.
I almost felt concerned for a moment, but then I remembered that he's supporting terrorists and I'm not since he drives a vehicle that probably uses about $70 worth of gas every week or two, whereas I drive a vehicle that uses, oh, $3 worth of gas, and that gas comes mostly from countries that are mostly run by terrorist groups, so by using so much gas unnecessarily when he could've bought a station wagon, or God forbid, a sedan (my parents made it work with 4 kids!), he's sending a bunch of extra money to those countries where the terrorists get to keep it. So screw you, SUV guy! I wish you would've suddenly and dangerously swung your car around in front of me, blocking me and forcing me to stop so you could yell at me about how you're not going to get home in time for sunday night football (wrong season? I don't know) or whatever because I would've totally let you have it. You think I'm being selfish, driving my little scooter, not going 20 miles over the speed limit on State Street, regardless of the other cars on the road? I'll tell you what selfish is, you in your macho SPORT UTILITY vehicle that you drive to the GROCERY STORE every other day.
Anyway, enough ranting for now. Just to clarify, I know that it's not possible for everyone to drive scooters since some people have legitimate needs to haul big stuff and other human beings and whatnot, but even so, very few of those people have hauling needs that merit a 16 mpg monstrosity.

originally posted 8/1/06

me complaining about vh1 four years ago

2009-09-07T14:27:00.000-07:00

I, for one, am sick of VH1 playing the same half dozen videos over and over again in the middle of the night when I'm trying to study and need some nice background music. It's worse than radio, really. I mean, at least radio has 80's night once in a while so I can be reminded of all the shitty, annoying songs that were popular 20 years ago.

1. "Photograph" by SwitchNickelCreedFoot of 3 Mudd Doors or whatever other talentless Candian Christian-crossover band that just released a single

more proof that nickelback sucks:

2. "Fix You" by Coldplay but really it's just Gwyneth Paltrow's husband walking around a city at night

3. "Wake Me Up When This Song Ends" by Greenday

news flash! spiky hair hasn't been cool since the first half of the 90s.

4. "Another song that nobody cares about where I walk around strumming my guitar and flaunting my hot 42 year old body" by Sheryl Crow

I stole this awesome image from http://www.songspeak.com/tag/60s-music/ Well done, my friend!

5. [Insert title of any Weezer song here] by Weezer where Rivers stares, expressionless, into the camera while surrounded by a bunch of horny teenagers. To be fair, I don't know if old school Weezer videos were all like this but they sure as hell all are now.

Do we need to put him on suicide watch?

6. Don't even get me started on U2. Honestly, the guys think they're gods or something. I mean, they named their cd "How to dismantle an atomic bomb." Hurry, alert the CIA that they can cancel any new agent training they've scheduled and purchase 800,000 copies of the new U2 cd.

That's it, I'm switching over to infomercials during my all night cram sessions and paper writings.

originally posted 11/16/05

Alternative to birth control vis-a-vis cramp control

2009-09-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

"Sooner or later after childbirth and breastfeeding, your menstrual cycle will resume. But here's a welcome side effect: You may have fewer bothersome cramps. Some women even find that menstrual pain ceases altogether after pregnancy and childbirth. This pain reduction is a well-known phenomenon, but no one knows for sure why it occurs. One theory is that childbirth eliminates some of the prostaglandin receptor sites in the uterus. Prostaglandins, hormones that direct the uterus to contract during labor, also play a role in monthly menstrual pain. The upshot? Fewer pain-receptor sites, fewer cramps." -MSN article about the good side effects of pregnancy

I was on the NuvaRing for 4 months for period regulation and pretty much hated every second of it. Looks like I need to get myself knocked up...

originally posted 4/13/05

2009-09-06T02:06:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, there was the internet. And on the first day, God created blogs so that man might vent his feelings in a free and unrestricted manner. And on the second day, God created MTV.com so that the teenagers might have a place to partake of the new Blink 182 video and read about who Audrina was indeed sighted canoodling with at Les Deux. And on the third day, God created Myspace, a place for bands, but which was swiftly taken over by webcam whores and self-indulgent emos. And yea verily, God looked upon this creation and saw that it Was the Sodom and Gomorrah of social networking sites, and thusly on the fourth day, God created facebook, And he saw that It was good. And on the Fifth day he rested, because he is Almighty God and can take a break on Friday instead of Sunday if he doth feel like it. But on the sixth Day, he created the facebook status update for he did see that man doth revel in self-advertisement and short attention span. And on the seventh day came twitter, of its own accord and yea not of God's creation, for man didst decide that blogs are passé and too long and whiny, and anything you want to express can be expressed in 140 characters or less anyway. Or maybe not if you're Paula Abdul.
Despite having slightly missed the bandwagon, it was time for a public blog. A blog into which I put nothing that I'm not ok with anyone who might stumble across it knowing. A blog into which I only put things that I think might be semi-amusing or worthwhile for a stranger to read. Hence on that note, the following dozen or so entries will be an amalgam of the better blog posts from other blogs I've had.
Just to sum up though, my intended purposes for this blog are ranting, raving, movie reviews (very occasional), and links to cool stuff. Most of my cool stuff I get from geekologie.com though. Except that bacon kid clip. I saw that way before it was ever on geekologie!!