the view outside my bedroom window this morning

Merry Christmas!

No? What? Wrong major Christian holiday? Oh.

Do you think maybe it's Mother Nature's commentary on the historical inaccuracy of the dates we've chosen for Christmas and Easter? Just a thought.

boys I am in love with

"I have a crush on every boy!" I made the very diplomatic decision to leave off any boys I actually know in real life and who might see this through facebook or other means. So if you're a boy and I know you, don't lose hope- I might still adore you!

1. David Macklovitch

image courtesy of http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/41844790.html

If you don't know who this is, shame on you, but I can't say I'm surprised. He's the lead singer of the two man act Chromeo- one of my favorite bands. He's Jewish (a classic turn-on, I know), he's a great dresser, great dancer, not gay for once, and most importantly a phD candidate at Columbia in French literature. He also teaches French there to undergrads. Damn, I wish I would have known that earlier or I would have transferred to Columbia instead of UVU. No snide comments, please. Anyway, he's the first one on this list for a reason. Here's Chromeo's latest video if anyone needs more proof.

2. MIKA

I don't even know where to start. The perfectly curly hair, the voice to die for, the delightful kookiness of his music and videos...thank God someone took this picture so we know what perfection looks like up close. And yes he admits to being bi, which means he's probably gay but you know what? Sexuality is not really a criteria for a list of guys I will never have.

3. Eli Roth

This is only a recent obsession, but I got a chick boner from witnessing his raw aggression in Inglourious Basterds. Let's not try to analyze why, but his display of sheer power and uncontained force really does it for me. Maybe also gay (heard from a totally not authoritative source so forgive me if I'm wrong. I just assumed the source was correct because most guys I'm obsessed with turn out to be gay)? And definitely also Jewish. Man I love Jews. I think it has something to do with their generally dark coloring- it just makes them look so manly.

4. Jeff Goldblum

Only one more Jew after this, I promise! I had no idea I loved him until I recently saw a pretty old interview of him on Late Night with Conan. Sure he's on the old side and he gets mocked a lot for the way he talks, but he just exudes virility and confidence. Through all the stuttering, you get the feeling he knows how to treat a lady. And that he's up to no good at the same time.

5. Conan O'Brien

Image from Entertainment Weekly

Speaking of Conesies, yes he's goofy and ginger, but that's why I love him. The self-deprecation is so endearing, and there is no dance sexier than the string dance.

6. Brian Rosenworcel aka Thunder God

This is the drummer of Guster, and you will not fully appreciate this one unless you've seen them play live. I saw them play before I was really a fan of the band at all and was immediately intrigued by the manic bongo player. Besides being a scruffy, hot Jew, he also exudes force, energy, and a raw animal intensity when he's on stage. I timidly scrambled up to him after a show many years ago and got to touch his calloused, amazing hands and snag a photo.

(Editor's note: Not to be a finnicky girl, but I need to point out that I was fatter then and this is my bad side. And my bff manda in the red, who unfortunately lives across the country from me and is one of the best people on the planet.)

7. Ben Folds

I saved the best for last. Neither Jewish or gay, but his musical genius defies all mankind and god. He (Ben Folds Five, to be precise) was my first musical love that wasn't a part of the Backstreet Boys genre and I've only fallen more in love with him in the 13 or so years since.

So there you have it. If this insight into my psyche doesn't classify me as disturbed, then I don't know what would. Except maybe if I was a serial killer and/or cannibal. That would probably be a bigger sign. Everyone on this list is either Jewish, gay, or married with children. That actually sounds like a good variation on that game show, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." I've never watched it, but I might if they replaced the straight with Jewish.

the bastardization of Holi

For those of you not living in Utardia (or Asia I suppose), Holi is a Hindu holiday that is celebrated by thousands of Utah college students at the Hare Krishna temple in Spanish Fork.

(I foolishly have not taken a picture of the whole temple myself so I stole this lovely image from this person's flickr http://www.flickr.com/photos/navaren/3344155868/ )

It's more commonly referred to as the festival of colors around here because you throw powdered, colored chalk at everyone while a band plays ethnic-ish music, and then a witch* is burned at the stake.

La foule, as the French say.

The real festival is a two week long ordeal in India and some other Asian countries that celebrates, among other things, brotherly love and the end of winter. Wikipedia "Holi" if you want to know more.

Anyway, I attended Holi three years ago and then again yesterday, and the difference between the two experiences astounded me.

1. I like lists. They allow me to put less effort into construction and transitions when I write, while also making the text more accessible.

2. The biggest difference: 3 years ago, holi was about losing yourself in the music, spirit, dancing, and the simultaneous sense of community and anonymity in the midst of a community of generally straight-laced mormons. This year, holi was about taking lots of pictures of yourself comically covered in brightly colored powder so that you can have a new facebook profile picture.

For the record, this is not (nor has it ever been) my profile picture. And leave it to me to frame the picture so that the headrest in front of me takes up half the shot.

3. The change in atmosphere. As people just arriving at the festival walked by our chalked-out group and saw me holding a half-full bag of chalk, at least 4 or 5 of them stopped, screeching "get me!" and holding out their arms. Um, excuse me? The point is to ambush people, not to oblige willing participants in their planned-out vanity. I did my best to keep things out of control though, by smearing chalk in their hair instead of on their outstretched arms, or by simply dumping the chalk in their faces, leaving them shrieking and coughing in alarm.

4. There was a jamba juice shack set up next to the temple. WTF is all I can say about that. There is nothing less rock and roll than jamba juice. Now holi has been bastardized AND commercialized.

*chosen from among the girls wearing sleeveless tops, shorts cut above the knee, or with multiple ear piercings

For the past 7 and a half years, I've been a vegetarian, or as I like to call it, "I don't eat meat." The reason I like to avoid the term "vegetarian" is that it has negative, subconscious associations for many omnivores. They think I'm going to be a hippie, or activist, or at the very least give them a hard time about eating meat (I am none of those things, at least not unless provoked). They also, upon hearing the word "vegetarian," think I eat a lot of vegetables. Also not the case. I eat some vegetables, to be clear, but people are always quite surprised when I mention my hatred of certain vegetables.

1. Asparagus

Asparagus tastes horrible, I'm reminded of wet, dirty laundry whenever I try to eat it. Even when smothered with butter, salt, or any other seasoning, the dirty laundry taste still dominates. Furthermore, so many people seem to love this disgusting little piece of greenery. Why? I'm convinced this plant was never meant for human consumption.

2. Mushrooms (not a vegetable, but ask me if I care)

Some varieties are worse than others (namely black), but even the firmer varieties are still mushy, poor in taste, and generally unappetizing. Just thinking about having a mushroom in my mouth makes me want to throw up.

3. Olives

They look like frog eyes and the taste is just awful. I can't even think of anything to compare it to because no other food is dumb enough to bear any resemblance to olives.

4. Celery

Completely bland and has possibly the worst texture of anything I've ever eaten. One of my earliest memories is of my family having a picnic. My mom handed me a celery stick with peanut butter and raisins in the groove. I took a bite, gagged, then licked out the peanut butter and rasins and handed the celery stick back to my mom. I stand by that decision I made as a small child to this day.

5. Water chestnuts

Once again, we have a vegetable that has fallen prey to the trap of gag reflex-inducing texture. The taste is slightly bitter and not at all pleasant, so let's just discard it from our recipe boxes and grocery stores, ok?

I hope after this list, I will never again be questioned over being a vegetarian who hates a few vegetables. People who eat these foods are weird and probably ate paste and/or their own boogers as a child. They should be the ones under scrutiny, not me.

improvisation

We're switching all our well liquors at work right now and still haven't gotten in our new light rum, and I guess they threw away the old one?? I have a hard time believing we ran out because I'd bet three-fitty that we had a backup bottle. Either way, we have no light (non-flavored) rum right now. So it's not a huge problem since we sell a lot more beer and wine than anything involving hard liquor but tonight someone ordered a zombie. Zombies have light rum as the main pour and two different kinds of dark rum in the recipe (and are extremely delicious). After asking my manager what to substitute and receiving no helpful answer because he secretly would rather be a bartender than a manager and is always looking for excuses to try to sneak in the bar and make drinks when I'm not looking (I could go on but that's a whole nother blog post), I improvised and just used a shot of vodka and a packet of sugar. HAHA. Light rum really isn't much more complicated than that anyway right??

Speaking of alcohol, I threw away a completely intact pineapple the other day because it was extremely ripe, to the point of mushiness. Thinking back, I wish I'd saved it, cut it up, and tested if I could get buzzed off eating pineapple slices. LIGHTBULB! I'm going to make pineapple wine, if you steal my idea I will kill you, or at least pay a gang of feral dogs to do it for me.

....wait what do you mean wine doesn't work like that?

the Valeries

With the Oscars rapidly approaching, here is my list of movies of 2009 that I loved. I'm not a movie critic nor do I claim that this list is comprehensive or definitive, just a list of movies that touched me in some way. I'm extremely cynical about Hollywood and am always going off about how 42 horrible movies are made for every good one and what a waste of money and time and effort, etc, blah blah blah but for once I need to eat my words. I was in love with so many movies I've watched over the past few months and decided to make a brief list of my favorites here. I think they're in chronological order? But I'm certainly not going to double-check.*

Coraline- just enchanting. Stunning visuals and a cute but spooky story with quirky and original characters.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li- just kidding.

Obsessed- this movie blew chunks but it's on here because it was hilarious to mock with my friends and almost worth sitting through to see Beyonce beat a white chick.

Up- It was well-made but I'll never watch it again because I cried four (4) separate times while watching it in the theater with my parents, one of which occurred within the first ten minutes. Not ok, disney.

Inglourious Basterds!!!- possible my favorite movie of the year. There are no words. Just see it if you haven't. I'm always opposed to gratuitous violence but Tarantino somehow always makes it palatable. I am also in love with Eli Roth, not that this is relevant to my love of this movie (except it is). And can we talk about Christoph Waltz?! If he doesn't win an Oscar then I will, um...kick a baby. Ok I would've done that anyway.

Extract- worth it if only for the David Koechner plotline. But all the other parts were good too, like Ben Affleck as the drug-addled, hippie bartender, the best braindead 17 year old poolboy ever, and Jason Bateman's general existence...I like Kristen Wiig too but there just wasn't much humor to her role in this movie.

The Invention of Lying- so funny. so so funny. Louis CK was heavily under-utilized though. If you remain skeptical, just look at the billing on that poster and tell me you're not curious. Plus for It's Always Sunny fans, there's a brief cameo from one of the Mcpoyle (sp?) brothers that helped me reach Jungian self-actualization.

Zombieland- I hate horror and violence and gore movies but this was funny and well-written and acted and all that. Best cameo EVER. You know what I'm talking about if you've seen it.

An Education- This movie inhabited my soul. I don't know how else to explain my love for it. Peter Saarsgaard is always just delightful, even when he's not supposed to be.

Men Who Stare at Goats- weird but funny and interesting.

Fantastic Mr. Fox- Wes Anderson ftw. Maybe my 2nd fave movie this year? Every scene with Jason Schwartzman made my life complete.

Up in the Air- I didn't actually agree with the final message that George Clooney's character learns but I did agree with everything else about this movie (not just talking about plot here).

Avatar- the plot, characters, and dialogue were stock, but still compelling and entertaining and I don't think I need to go into the visual effects. Yes, James Cameron is an unoriginal hack, that fact has already been well-established by his previous work, but the man knows how to spend money on special effects. You can't understand what they mean when they say this movie is a game-changer until you see it. (Note that I am not including posters for movies that were widely enough advertised that I'm guessing everyone already knows what the movie poster looks like. Or that I simply am too lazy to get a poster for.)

The Secret of Kells- precious little Irish animated movie. The style is whimsical, original and beautiful, wrapped up in a magical and moving story. I cannot overemphasize how stunning the visual experience alone of this movie is, all without motion capture and CGI. Just wait until you get to the forest sequence. James Cameron could learn a few things from these animators. Namely that it's possible to make a visually stunning movie without spending $500 million on motion capture and CGI.

The Young Victoria- this movie stayed way more under the radar than it should have. Great acting, great writing, great story, unbelievable costumes and set. I watched it twice in two days, that's how much I loved it. This is tied with Fantastic Mr. Fox for my 2nd fave movie of the year. To be fair, its biggest strength is probably the crazy-elaborate costumes, so here's a peek at one of Emily Blunt's many dresses.

The Hangover (I've officially stopped any attempt at chronology or order in my life.)- Keep walking grandpa.

Role Models- LAWL. Just lawl.

Julie and Julia- cuuuuuuuute. Proof that chick flicks can be great cinema. Although I just watched The Lovely Bones the other day and the fact that Stanley Tucci can be so creepy in that and so charming and likeable in this makes me simultaneously more creeped out and impressed with his acting skills. There are a lot of actors out there who only seem to play one role in any movie- Will Smith, Michael Cera, Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise (don't argue with me, when was the last time besides Tropic Thunder that he played a role with any character depth or variation? And even in that one he was hiding behind a fat suit, prosthetics and a lot of accessories/makeup) come to mind, but Stanley Tucci is NOT one of those actors. Good for him.

Away We Go- also cute. and funny. and moving. lots of great performances. I cannot recommend this movie enough because so few people seem to have seen it. And yet Transformers 2 was the 4th top grossing film of the year? Excuse me for a minute, I need to go rail at God.

Funny People- just watched this last week and it made me fall even more in love with Aubrey Plaza and Jason Schwartzman.

Movies that are very deliberately missing from this list: 500 Days of Summer, Transformers 2, Harry Potter 6, Taken, He's Just Not That Into You, Watchmen, Star Trek, The Hurt Locker, District 9. I have subjective reasons for disliking only two of these, the rest I can come up with solid, objective criticism of, which I may do at a later point. If I feel like it. So there.

*they're not.

please don't judge me

Clearly my project of putting all/any worthwhile old blogs on here got sidetracked, what with work and school and my commitment to never miss the Daily Show. How else am I supposed to stay informed? I'm still not doing that, I just felt the need to write about addiction. Afrin is addictive. So is my job.

Most people know about Afrin's addictive potential but do most of them also know how dangerous it is? Apparently it can cause horrible side effects like semi-permanent closure of the nasal passage, hallucination, suicidal thoughts, gnashing of teeth, killer robots, etc. I discovered this b/c I took afrin tonight (and cough syrup. I'm drinking it out of the bottle these days, don't judge me. It's really more to do with impatience than irresponsibility) and had a bad reaction as I do from time to time with Afrin. My throat has been irritatingly dry and prickly for the past couple hours. I've been sucking on citrus vitamin c drops non-stop in an attempt to get my throat to re-hydrate itself to no avail.

In the height of my discomfort, I googled "afrin throat needles" or something like that to see if my problem is common and/or has a simple remedy. I did not find any forums or sites discussing my particular problem but I did find a woman describing how Afrin had basically ruined her life. It makes me think twice about using it, except not really because the aforementioned woman, let's call her Beth for convenience's sake, took Afrin for five days straight, whereas I adhere strictly to the three day max rule as proscribed on the bottle. Besides, Afrin is magical, I could never give it up. What other over the counter (or prescription) medication works as instantaneously and well as Afrin? NONE that I've ever tried. When a product delivers on that level, I cannot abandon it. But I'm still scared of it. Kind of like Lady Gaga. I guess we didn't really need to name Beth, did we?

But what really inspired this post was my job. It takes longer than three days to become addicted, but the addiction is just as life-ruining. I hate myself. I hate people. I'm tired of my friends, and I can't hang out with the friends I'm not tired of because I'm too busy. I have little to no faith in the world, I get angry more often and faster than I used to, I'm a bigger asshole when I drive now, and I can't lose weight b/c of my ridiculous schedule and because I'm surrounded by fatty restaurant food.

But I can't leave because I'm addicted. Why? The money. I'm not a Rockefeller, or even one of the hussies that Tiger was probably paying off in vain to keep their mouths shut, but I'm living pretty comfortably as a college student. I can go shopping or go out to eat whenever I want, rent a private room in a nice, newer apartment, buy dvds and $44 Flight of the Conchords tickets, afford the monthly payments on a car with leather heated seats, take a road trip to LA, pay for unexpected $1200 car repairs when I break down in the Mojave desert on the way to LA, etc. I was a poor college student before I had this job, and I'm not going back!

I need these luxuries like a heroin junkie needs her needle. And unfortunately, I've become accustomed to prostituting myself at the feet of Utah Valley restaurant patrons in order to get my fix, just as the junkie would prostitute herself on the Reno street corners to get hers. Drugs do not beget happy, fulfilled lives, and neither does restaurant work. Yet so few of us seem able to leave it behind and build a more functional life. The parallels between drugs and my job are disturbing.

The light at the end of the tunnel, of course, is that I'm set to graduate in a few months, at which time I intend to throw my apron down dramatically on the line and leave the service industry forever, having acquired the necessary qualifications to find a bleak office job and wither away in a 9 to 5 life.