1. David Macklovitch
If you don't know who this is, shame on you, but I can't say I'm surprised. He's the lead singer of the two man act Chromeo- one of my favorite bands. He's Jewish (a classic turn-on, I know), he's a great dresser, great dancer, not gay for once, and most importantly a phD candidate at Columbia in French literature. He also teaches French there to undergrads. Damn, I wish I would have known that earlier or I would have transferred to Columbia instead of UVU. No snide comments, please. Anyway, he's the first one on this list for a reason. Here's Chromeo's latest video if anyone needs more proof.
I don't even know where to start. The perfectly curly hair, the voice to die for, the delightful kookiness of his music and videos...thank God someone took this picture so we know what perfection looks like up close. And yes he admits to being bi, which means he's probably gay but you know what? Sexuality is not really a criteria for a list of guys I will never have.
3. Eli Roth
This is only a recent obsession, but I got a chick boner from witnessing his raw aggression in Inglourious Basterds. Let's not try to analyze why, but his display of sheer power and uncontained force really does it for me. Maybe also gay (heard from a totally not authoritative source so forgive me if I'm wrong. I just assumed the source was correct because most guys I'm obsessed with turn out to be gay)? And definitely also Jewish. Man I love Jews. I think it has something to do with their generally dark coloring- it just makes them look so manly.
4. Jeff Goldblum
Only one more Jew after this, I promise! I had no idea I loved him until I recently saw a pretty old interview of him on Late Night with Conan. Sure he's on the old side and he gets mocked a lot for the way he talks, but he just exudes virility and confidence. Through all the stuttering, you get the feeling he knows how to treat a lady. And that he's up to no good at the same time.
5. Conan O'Brien
Image from Entertainment Weekly
Speaking of Conesies, yes he's goofy and ginger, but that's why I love him. The self-deprecation is so endearing, and there is no dance sexier than the string dance.
6. Brian Rosenworcel aka Thunder God
This is the drummer of Guster, and you will not fully appreciate this one unless you've seen them play live. I saw them play before I was really a fan of the band at all and was immediately intrigued by the manic bongo player. Besides being a scruffy, hot Jew, he also exudes force, energy, and a raw animal intensity when he's on stage. I timidly scrambled up to him after a show many years ago and got to touch his calloused, amazing hands and snag a photo.
(Editor's note: Not to be a finnicky girl, but I need to point out that I was fatter then and this is my bad side. And my bff manda in the red, who unfortunately lives across the country from me and is one of the best people on the planet.)
7. Ben Folds
I saved the best for last. Neither Jewish or gay, but his musical genius defies all mankind and god. He (Ben Folds Five, to be precise) was my first musical love that wasn't a part of the Backstreet Boys genre and I've only fallen more in love with him in the 13 or so years since.
So there you have it. If this insight into my psyche doesn't classify me as disturbed, then I don't know what would. Except maybe if I was a serial killer and/or cannibal. That would probably be a bigger sign. Everyone on this list is either Jewish, gay, or married with children. That actually sounds like a good variation on that game show, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." I've never watched it, but I might if they replaced the straight with Jewish.