Saturday, March 19, 2011

why I take a roll of toilet paper with me to the movie theater

I'm a movie-cryer. It's sort of a problem. I cry at movies that I'm pretty sure no one involved in the making of the movie intended for it to be a crying movie. I cried at Star Trek for pete's sake. I almost said "for crying out loud" instead of "for pete's sake" but that seemed too ironic and cutesy. Who the hell is pete though? I'm not happy with either of these expressions. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my unnecessary histrionics. I even cried at Iron Man 2.

Not really on that last one. I really hope you didn't believe that of me, I'd probably be mentally impaired if that was true. But I'm not kidding about the volume and range of movies I cry at. I cry at movies that I don't even care about, that I know are stupid. Hold on, my alcoholic roommates are raising my anger level to homicidal- I need to relocate.

There, that's better. For no reason other than boredom and a personal resolution to blog more often than once every other month, I've organized any crying movies I could think of into lists (not comprehensive) of light to moderate to severe based on how long/hysterically I cried while watching. Consider my self-respect left at the door.

light: Just tearing up or only a few silent tears running down my right cheek. The only kind of movie crying that I have any hope of concealing from the person sitting next to me in the theater who will think I'm deranged if I don't.
"Lord of the Rings"
"Star Wars"
"Finding Nemo"
"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
"Tuck Everlasting"

moderate: crying at a controlled volume for less than ten minutes
"A Walk to Remember"
"Charlotte's Web"
"Pay It Forward"
"Pan's Labyrinth"

severe: Crying for ten minutes or more, sometimes up to an half hour after the movie has ended at a level of hystericity (not a word) appropriate for someone who has just witnessed their entire family being murdered by Voldemort. This is not a pretty cry, people.
"Big Fish"
"The Time Traveler's Wife"
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
"Moulin Rouge"
"The Lion King"

in its own category: this movie exceeded all other previous and subsequent crying levels because I cried FOUR SEPARATE times and continued to sit in the theater for five minutes during the credits and sob while hugging my parents

Are you ready?



That's right, a goddamn Pixar movie. Why those sadistic Disney bastards love killing off immediate family members in almost every feature film is a topic for another blog post, but I will never watch that movie again.

Honorary literary mention: The sixth Harry Potter book (not the movie) when SPOILER ALERT Dumbledore dies. I cried for about two hours and even had to call my mom who was out of town at 1 a.m. to help me calm down. The best part of this story is that I initially refused to tell her why I was calling her crying at 1 a.m. because she hadn't read the Harry Potter books yet and I didn't want to ruin it for her.

As an afterthought I added a fourth list: popular movies I refuse to watch because I know I will end up hysterical
"The Green Mile"
"Schindler's List"
"The Pursuit of Happyness"
"Million Dollar Baby"
"Sophie's Choice"
"Saving Private Ryan"

I have two questions about these lists.

1. Should I be worried about what this says about me psychologically and emotionally?

2. Why are so many of these children's movies?!

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